Feeling funky...

Woke up this morning to one-tenth of an inch of ice outside. Like I told my brother, I just need to move to Fiji and be done with it. I don’t like cold weather and want to move south, but a big move will not happen for awhile. Charlie and I discussed it and he rather double-up on the mortgage and pay off the house in eight years, then think about moving. It does make sense, but I’m ready to go now! We’ll start taking weekend trips to check out some areas to determine where we want to go. Although, the whole country has been hit by this crazy weather the past week! Dom said yesterday in Austin it was 80 degrees and the next two days are going to be in the 30s with a serious wind chill! Ugh!!

I have been in such a funk the past several weeks. I finally admitted to my doctor that I’m not doing alright and I need help. I can’t concentrate, I feel lethargic, I have no motivation, and I’ve been crying more than ever before. I really felt like I might be losing my mind. It’s a combination of several things: I don’t feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be professionally; I miss mom, dad, and Aunt Marian every day; I have no time for myself; and my mood swings wildly from feeling hopeful and peaceful to angry, bitter, and hateful the next. Charlie feels the brunt of my emotions and I’m tired of taking it out on him. I want to be happy. I had some blood work completed a couple of weeks ago and she indicated I was anemic, which was a shock. I eat very well (i.e. foods rich in iron are what I eat constantly), so she wants me to go see a GI doctor to make sure everything inside is O.K. She wants to rule out ulcers and, God-forbid, colon cancer. For the time being she put me back on anti-depressants and I have to take an iron supplement. She wants me to focus just on myself and make goals for only the coming week and not more than a month in advance. She suggested I look at work right now as a means for paying for my hobbies and since I told her I wanted to get back into art, she thought it was perfect. For some reason my interest in writing is waning, but I think it’s because of this funk. I’m also going to rearrange my schedule so I truly have the weekends for myself – every last stupid chore will have to happen during the week. I made a list of the things that bog me down on the weekends and it was quite extensive. I also need to reclaim my office space because since I started decorating for Christmas it looks like a Category 4 hurricane touched down in here. I’m a very organized person, so this alone is driving me CRAZY – I can’t even think in here.

Hopefully with all this I can get back to finishing the revisions to my memoir, which I have put on the backburner for now. As far as any other writing is concerned, we’ll see what the new year brings.

My brother and his wife are in from Texas for the weekend, so I’ve been getting ready for the visit (i.e. cleaning). I’ve been in a mild funk here lately and I’ve also been spending the time trying to figure out my next steps. While I want to write, I don’t believe that alone is going to fulfill the creative void I feel right now. There is a little art studio that recently opened not far from here and I think after the new year I’m going to start taking some art lessons. I was in advanced placement art in high school and loved spending time doing “artsy” things, but I let go after graduation for some reason or another. I want to take a few lessons to brush up on techniques since I’m a little rusty. The writing will happen but first and foremost the memoir has to be completed. I really don’t want anything taking away time from that. Revisions are moving along and I hope to wrap them up in the next week or two.

I’m also geared up for planning our summer vacation! I’m still not sure about a location yet, but I’ve also been eyeing up Barbados as well. I’ve gotten a little more Christmas spirit in me this year than I have for the past nine years. I actually put a tree up this year (the first in nine years) and Charlie and I can actually have a Christmas this year, which is wonderful. So many of the past years we have been broke from buying for everyone else, but this year we said we come first. And, I don’t feel the least bit guilty about it.